From Victim to Victor and Creator of Opportunities

From Victim to Victor and Creator of Opportunities

In July of 1975 most of my friends were getting ready to go off to college.  I was getting sober. My career with drinking and drugging started at age 12. I loved the feeling when I got drunk and high and couldn’t wait to party.

No one really knew but I had a primal wound of being adopted that I had a hard time dealing with. I was raised in Massachusetts and adopted  by an Irish Catholic family.  My drinking and drugging fed that wound.

By the time I was a junior in High School I was a daily drinker. By the time I was in the 12th grade I was having a lot of blackouts. I saw about a dozen people die of drug and alcohol use. These were my friends, my peers.  I figured I would be one of them. I saw a kid drunk who walked in front of a car.  I knew of another kid who asphyxiated on his vomit. There was another kid doing push ups on a moving car. Of course he died. Times were tough.  In my world there was no social drinking.  It was all about getting drunk.

By the time I was 14 I was smoking pot every day before going to school.  I don’t know how my parents didn’t know, but they didn’t. I kept a bottle of liquor in my school locker. My grades weren’t that great and my parents insisted that I bring up my school grades.  Somehow I did but I couldn’t  finish my own  sentences.

When I walked through the hallways at school, I kept my head down. I wasn’t engaged with others. I just took things one day at a time.  I didn’t even think about my future.  Let no one say that kids can’t be addicted because I was one of them. It was in seeing these kids die that influenced me to get sober.

I drank at the beach alone. One of the places that I drank was on the wall at the Henry Cabot Lodge.  I was drinking straight whiskey at this time.  Kids would come down to drink and leave.  I was just never ready to leave.  I drank with wino’s as well. One wino spoke into my life and I will never forget what he said. He told me that if he drank like me, that he would quit. I will never forget him telling me this.

I look back and realize that I carried a lot of sorrows. I felt I was a victim of life and I would ask God, “Why?” It took a long time for me to realize that the why was in my own hands. I went through periods of unwillingness and resistance in letting go of my victim mentality. I had false expectations that life was fair and  I felt disappointed all the time. I was insecure and as I  look back and I acknowledge that I was narcissistic. I always needed a pat on the back.

I had liver damage that didn’t clear up for 3 ½ years after I was sober. I did get sober though.   It was a process of learning that my resentments fed my addiction.  I had a lot of resentments.  I always felt that I was being treated unfairly. This belief fed my resentments.

I played the guitar and wrote songs. Through writing I began to let go of m resentments. I have found that each song is a miracle.

I was sober for 8 years before I did STEPS 4-5 in the program. Over the years I had a lot of anger issues. After being sober for 20 years I felt that I was in a dry drunk. Somehow, I found the book “the Four Agreements.” I spent a week with the author.  I realized that I was no longer a victim of life but a creator of opportunities. This new outlook changed me.

I have now been sober for 30 years. I now treat addicted men. I still play my guitar and write music. I practice gratefulness every day.

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